Death

I have encountered death and dying throughout my life, but none of these encounters have ever taught me how to deal with grief. Though I have been affected by all of the deaths that have occurred throughout my life, I have never felt the deep sense of grief that others in my life experienced upon hearing of these deaths. I was more impacted by the sadness my loved ones felt during these difficult times than by the passing of those I had known. And though I did feel some sort of loss during these periods of grief, I did not know how to offer support to those in my life who were feeling much deeper sadness. 


When faced with the sorrow death causes, it is my instinct to try and "fix" the problem, but clearly, in these instances, this is not the appropriate response. So instead, I hug and kiss, listen and try to empathize. But offering this kind of support leaves me feeling helpless because my support does not make the grief my friends and family feel "go away." I am left feeling like a bad friend and a bad person. Moreover, I feel selfish for worrying about how I feel about myself at such times, rather than grieving for the lost person.


I bring all of this up because Sam's lifelong childhood friend is dying. It is hard to watch Sam so upset and feel incapable of helping him feel any better. Moreover, though I don't know his friend very well, I don't understand why I do not feel more upset. I understand the gravity of the situation, but I just don't feel attached to the sadness surrounding me.


Maybe this is because I have never lost someone I truly love and know well to death, so I simply cannot empathize with Sam because I do not have any idea what he is going through. The closest to grief I have felt is depression, but I still do not know how to respond to Sam's grief because my depression has been so self-focused, rather than the other-focus that grief entails.


Beyond feeling helpless in supporting Sam, I feel ashamed that while he is going through such a trial, I am experiencing my familiar anxieties after returning home from a girls' weekend with Emily in California. I feel so selfish that I am concerned about myself at such a time. My fears and sadness are so shallow in comparison, and yet they are still banging around in my head. I think I need to do some art this evening so I can process some of what I am going through in order to be a better support for Sam...