Anew

After waiting in agony to learn about the status of my application to the MSW program I applied to earlier this year, I learned yesterday that I was not accepted. I think I was in shock the moment I found out because I was strangely positive about the situation. For anyone who knows me, this is an odd reaction as I tend to "catastrophize" everything. Yep, you can call me that little chicken who fears the sky is falling with the drop of an acorn on her head. I think a major reason I did not immediately collapse into tears when I read my rejection email was that I was so relieved to finally know the results of my application. I was so antsy waiting around being unable to apply for full-time jobs or plan for my future in any way because I had no idea whether or not I needed to do so. As soon as I read that email and closed my inbox, I got cracking on starting a new future for myself.

The first step in creating my new life: find a job in the field of social services. I want to work in a position that I enjoy, or at least one that puts me on the path toward a career that will be fulfilling, because I have spent too much time in spirit-killing positions. My passions lie in empowering the disenfranchised, so naturally, I hope to find a career in the realm of social work. I find no meaning in my current position (how much zeal can possibly be mustered by setting teeth cleaning appointments for the upper class in Seattle?) and I am yearning for the opportunity to make a difference in my community. With this in mind yesterday, I hopped into the shower and found a coffee shop in Ballard with free wifi so that I could begin searching for jobs.

I spent all afternoon writing cover letters and reviewing my resume to be sent to potential employers. I was oddly euphoric about my future life, free of school work and studying, hopefully free of hope-dashing stress. Though I wanted to get into UW's MSW program so that I could begin my path toward a meaningful career, the longer I spent out of school, the nicer it felt not to have papers to write and mounds of reading to complete. The idea of working at a full-time job, hopefully relevant to my passions, sounded a lot more enjoyable.

Later in the afternoon, though, the positivity that was so uncharacteristic for me was quickly replaced by my usual, self-deprecation. It began on my way home from the cafe, which happened to be during rush-hour. I started seeing all these people driving on their way home from, most likely, full-time jobs. I assumed that they loved their jobs and were living the life they wanted to be living. Meanwhile, I had just been rejected from a program I badly wanted to be accepted into and I spend most of my days bored out of my mind at work and then scrounging for afternoon activities. What kind of life is it that I am living? And, to add to my disappointment, I started telling myself that I was a failure because, not only had I gotten fired from my non-profit job (despite the fact that being fired had less to do with me as an employee and more to do with the organization's dysfunction), but now I could not get into the MSW program I wanted. I felt like a directionless putz.

When I got home and Sam greeted me, I was too depressed to be very loving in return. I decided that I needed to take a walk around Green Lake and he joined me. Unfortunately, my downward emotional spiral continued despite walking around in public. I ended up crying for the last half of the walk (about a mile). During the course of the walk, I brought up an old topic with Sam about what would happen if I decided to enroll in an out-of-state MSW program. In the past, Sam said that he wouldn't move with me because he loves his job. He said he would be happy for me to spend two years in another state earning my degree and then would hope I tried moving back once I finished. I was too emotional to be having this conversation, but when I start getting anxious and depressed, the only thing that can quell an impending emotional apocalypse is Ativan and, unfortunately, I had left it at home for our walk. As a result, any logic I may have had on this topic had gone out the window. I was devastated by Sam's decision and argued that if Sam loved me enough, he would move with me for school. He disagreed and I was incapable of understanding his point of view. I quickly crumbled under my negativity and was reduced to a blubbery, red-faced, puffy-eyed lunatic walking around the lake amid mommies with their Starbucks coffees and toddlers in joggers. Ugh.

When we got back to the apartment, the crying did not end and I began saying things I did not mean. Luckily, my husband knows when to stop taking me seriously. He started cooking dinner while I began packing up for an overnight sleep lab appointment that was due to begin at 7:30pm. I was hardly looking forward to this, as I was still an emotional mess and our argument had not yet been resolved. When I finished packing up and began heading for the door, I collapsed into tears again, trying to explain why I was so upset. Sam understood, but he wanted me to understand why he did not want to leave and why this conversation was not even relevant yet as I had not even applied to out-of-state schools. By the time we both felt better, it was time for me to go, but I couldn't make myself leave the house. I cancelled my appointment, took an Ativan, and my frenzied state slowly melted away as we watched several episodes of Weeds.

I woke up this morning feeling much better about my situation (not being an emotional mess really helps one's outlook on life, doesn't it?) and ready to tackle my new future. I reminded myself that I felt almost relieved yesterday when I first learned I didn't get into the MSW program because I would not have to spend the majority of my time studying, writing papers, and feeling stressed. So, I am once again at a coffee shop, preparing to apply for jobs and I feel lucky to have so much time to do so. I am also strikingly fortunate to have a husband with a steady job (my part-time wages help, too) so I do not feel in overly agitated about finding a job. I am simply going to keep blogging, reading, knitting, and drawing, with job-searching sprinkled in here and there. I want to begin a life that is more meaningful to me and this is a great time to start. As bored as I have been at times while only working part-time, I do recognize that this will be one of the only, if not the only, time in my life when I will have so much free time and I want to put it to good use. 

Not only will my hobbies be a good way to spend my time, but Sam and I have decided that we will go on a trip around the world for six months to a year should he get fired or laid off (because Verizon has been bought by Frontier Communications, this could be a very real possibility in the coming year), so we can plan this wonderful excursion together. I have been itching to travel again for years (I can't believe it has been nearly four years since I last traveled!) and I am looking forward to exploring new regions of the world as well as my own boundaries as a traveler. The coming year will be an interesting one and there is very little I can do to imagine how it will come to pass...and, for the first time, that seems kind of exciting.